What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

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Another so called friend had bit the dust..

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

He knew the spot.

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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

What are 10 interesting facts about you?

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

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I of course replied” arh beautiful!

But, we were locked up after school.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

What makes you feel guilty the most?

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

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This is soul school!.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

What do dreams about dead people mean?

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

Ive learnt so much.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

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But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

(And it was in our own minds.)

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

Why did i forgive my father ?

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

I was 9 years of age.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

Im dying but, im not bitter.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

When she asked me how she looked .

So whats the point in blame.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

She found it foreign!.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

She loved him until the end.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

Was to survive, this bastard.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

She married twice! .

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

Who then, do I blame.?

My life is so biszare .

I had hoped to write a book about this .

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

I was scared of men, in general

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

Would this be the day?

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

She was in good health!

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

I was seconnd youngest,

I know ,a lot about trauma.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

I think the readers, may guess!

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

They are buried together, in the same grave..

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

Comes on , in middle age.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

This is how, and why children get BPD.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

I don,t even have a pension.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

It was going to be , some day.

But ive been too sick for many years..

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

Im still living with it.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

I said to her

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

So, i spoilt her more .

One cannot live in the past .

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

I waited trembling.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

But it wasn’t much.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

Put me off passion for life!!

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

I have no regrets .

I never cut or harmed myself..

My mum and dad in the seventies!

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

I write beautiful poetry .

We were not on the streets..

What did i know ?

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

My family never makes their pension either.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

As i do to all so called friends.?

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

And i lived it daily.

All the time i was locked up.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

She wouldn,t have been !

We all went to grammer schools

I was very sick at this time too.

I couldn’t, believe it.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

He was dying to do it , i knew.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

I will be 64.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

I could never make a relationship work though!

Especially a lifetime of it.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

He resisted the act ,that day.